Laurent Koscielny to Barcelona?

Arsenal, though, have grown weary of Newcastle's Francophile transformation into the old Arsenal and have decided to become the new Newcastle. But without Joe Kinnear. The Gunners are keen on lil' Lille winger Dimitri Payet and are ready to splash £8m on Guingamp midfielder Gilbert Imbula. Also hoping to swap Ligue 1 for N5 is Marseille's Andre Ayew, although the French side will have to persuade Arsène Wenger to part with Gervinho in exchange.

Manchester United and Chelsea exchanged a long email chain in an attempt to come up with a Rhyming With Sprinkle XI (kids today, huh?). Norwich's Ricky van Wolfswinkel, former Celtic man Andreas Hinkel, Simpson phone prank mainstay Ivana Tinkle, deceased Austrian chess grandmaster Adolf Zinkl, the WWF ring announcer Howard Finkel and 20-year-old Vitesse Arnhem midfielder Marco van Ginkel were all mentioned before they decided to give it up as a bad lot, although both clubs have decided to make £15m bids for Van Ginkel (and Chelsea are considering a move for Tinkle).